Friday, June 15, 2007

Shining Light on the Debris

So becoming acquainted with the death and mourning process, dealing with strangling financial stress, trying unsuccessfully to extricate myself from family related drama and entering the summer heat wave have all given me pause for thought. That's a mellow way of saying "quietly loosing my mind".
I started smoking again, which I blame on the above situations. I fantasize about getting embarrassingly hammered and I have a running inner dialogue that is bitching and complaining non-stop.
I have cried a fair bit lately.
I have wondered when and if this is going to let up, this crap-tastic ballet of "interesting times".
But right now I am thinking this must all be the universe giving me a good shake, saying "HEY! DOPEY! YEAH, YOU! WAKE UP!!!"
The question at this point is; did I nod off? How long have I been out? What did I miss?
And ya know, I was sure I wasn't sleeping, I mean I got this great kid who makes me happy to be alive every day (even when I want a break), and a swell home (even though my mother-in-law finds reasons to complain about it often), my man is working (earning little to no money and stressed as hell), I like my work (though I could use more of it) and I am happy with my lot. So what is it? What is my blind spot covering?
The whisper tells me it's spiritual. Not "I Found God!" spiritual, but "Operating from the Center of my Inner Me" spiritual.
So I think I'll work on that.
That and giving up smokes again.